Outcasted, Alone, and Sad. - 8/8/26

Sorry for the negative entries lately, ive had quite the week already and its only the first week too! it sucks that life has it's foot up my ass and it wont stop kicking. I just want to rest yet one thing after the other happens

Firstly, the guy i tried to befriend last year sat at our lunch table due to my friend bringing him over. He's way different than i thought, knowing that i dont think him an i will get along. Mostly just cuz he's to himself most of the time and im more open and shit. Still bummed me out a lot, i really want to make friends but i think i do too much and i come off way too strong to where i mess things up and then the chance is ruined. I've been bothered all day man, im tired. So very tired of it all. It's only week one and my depression got worse. Ive been "thinking" a while and its getting worse too

On my instagram i had posted a note saying my theatre teacher wasnt a good person. I still keep that opinion but then someone i knew, graduated 2 years ago, responded and created a giant argument because i had stated my opinion. I posted a screenshot of the conversation on my main after i put it on close friends. She unblocked me and then got mad at me again threatening to send the messages to my deans even though she had graduated. I got scared an upset and she even went as far as to say people i knew were saying "i was making myself a victim" and whatnot, people i knew saying i was playing victim in a situation i didnt start. AM i the victim? am i a bad person? should i reconsider everything? are people right and im just selfish? i really need to know, i dont want to be a victim. i have to be okay, i have to fit in. i need to fit in.

everything is just a tornado and i dont have any energy for my comic, anything i want to do, or just stuff in general. Please for the love of god get rid of this disease or whatever i have in me. Please get it out, stop me from suffering i cannot suffer anymore. I just want to live for once like everyone else. Stop pushing me down. I dont want to be depressed, i want to be free, i want to live for once god help me.

Second Day: Second Chance. A Tale of Twos - 8/6/26

Today i gave everything a second chance. Life, school, and my old relationship. We ended on good terms but i want to start over. So we will. In the aspect of life, i didnt want to wake up today. At all. But i picked myself up by the straps and went to school. I thought being a student aide for ASL would be fun but i made an ass of myself in front of a class full of students i dont know. God my head hurts too, everything is painful. Im in so much pain.

My classes were mellow but i also didnt want to be there at all. I miss my old teachers and classes, except for chemistry. God at least i knew people then. All i have is a bunch of people i dont know and seniors. Low and behold the shit schedule i was given

i'll probably write a part two because its getting painful to write, i think i have a migraine. Eugh, i feel so shitty.

Am I Girl Enough? - 8/5/26

You ever get that feeling that you arent...feminine enough?? I always had the notion that as a girl i was supposed to look the part. But all i achieve with it is looking like a man in a dress. It took a long long time of consideration, but i think i like the terms androgyne/non-binary. Let me explain more

In my school, the "hot", popular, and pretty girls wear flattering clothing. I've tried to do that, but because of my size and being so tall i often look awkward trying to pull if off. I hate it. I feel like i should present in a feminine way right? i mean im a girl for god's sake, i should look the part, and this is where my voice comes in. I have a love hate relationship with the way i sound. I think its too deep for my age, but then i dont wanna sound too high pitched and weird. So i have this thought process of, what SHOULD i try to sound like and it turns into a confusing mess for me and an even more frustrating mess for my mind.

I hate the feeling of not being femme enough because then i feel like an ostracized mess. Other girls look my way and i can never decipher if its just out of me being in their view or judgement, i always assume it's judgement and i guess its not the best mindset but who gives a shit dude? Im more masc then i want to be which i dont have a problem with. It's just a problem when it comes to me liking a girl, knowing i might not be her type or im just too much that she wont like me back...i think im rambling

i thought about this leaving school today, wasn't fun. I wanted to cry today but i couldnt because i had to suck it up

I always have to

First Day - 8/5/26

I had my first day of junior year and i hated it. So many people i dont know plus our school's new backpack rule making our lives harder. I dont have my meds filled so im going off literaly fumes at the moment. A day prior i had gotten realy upset at the fact our school posted the musical callout poster on their Instagram. Usually im excited about musicals but my theatre teacher picks favorites and never new people unless those new people are in show choir. So my dreams are just dreams i guess. She's also really evil, maybe i'll talk about her another time. Piece of work ill say.

Now, ever since my dad moved out the house it's been rough, i miss him. Im truly my dad's daughter and now he's far far away. I listen to "What a Wonderful World" to remind me of him since he used to sing it with my grandma. Thats when he was happy in his life, less sick and such. Even then, i still almost cry when i listen to it, i've cried a lot lately. Dont know why... I dont like coming home, we dont get along too much anymore. I want peace for once, I dont get that often. School's no longer peaceful and the seniors of this year have the most of my friends in it. im losing them now. i dont wanna be lonely again, i'll miss them. I already miss the class of 26..

I wish to sleep this off, or at least try. Im exhausted...i want to rest, even during the summer i wasnt doing okay and now im back in school. i shouldve been more grateful with my time. I'll try to sleep now.